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Monday, March 16, 2015

I Don't KnoW...

While your heart in despair, listen to your inner voice. When life is like thin bubbles, what can you do to be sure? I don't know. 

For me, I'm not myself again today. I don't feel good, no great feeling, no pride, no nothing. I don't know.

Once I was told, you can always love the person you trust but you can't always trust the person that you love. How peculiar. It is more hurtful knowing that you really love the person that you trust in but end up knowing that they never trust you. What can you do to make people trust you? What was so wrong with you that no trust certificate is given to you? Even after a very long time waiting and waiting? I don't know.

People do change. People do get tired. People always makes plan. People always try to find happiness in their life. But how can you make sure that you are included in their plan? How can you be sure that your future belong in theirs? I don't know.

Sitting alone in a small room with only walls to be your witnesses, there's really nothing else you can do. You can speak. You can talk. You can think. You can reasoning. Except only to your own self. You can say good things about yourself to help you boosting up. You can also try to think how everything went wrong this far. Which will eventually end up knowing that no one really cares. Either you stand up alone or keep falling hard, still, you are alone. I don't know. 

I don't know. Should you be worried? Should you be happy? Should you just pretend like everything is fine? I really don't know. 



Monday, May 26, 2014

Jiwa oh Kenapa

Gegak gempita tepikan itu. Sudah! Jangan dipukul lagi belati itu. Ku faham. Ku akur. Sememangnya ku arif benar yang itulah mahumu. Terasa sepi dan ngilu tiapkali jiwa teringat. Ah! Kenapa mahu memaksa sekiranya itu bukan ketentuanNya? Hey, kenapa berbicara seolah orang tiada iman? Mana mungkin kau tahu itu bukan kehendakNya jua? TAPI, terlalu lama penderitaan ini. Bukan enteng cabaranMu ini. Sudah terlalu banyak jiwa dan hati terguris. Ku tak sanggup lagi. Mungkin ini masanya untuk terima seadanya. Bukan hakmu. Bukan milikmu. Takkan mungkin akan jadi kepunyaanmu. TITIK.


Kehadiran 23102011

Mengeluh kesah dikatil. Terasa sakit yang amat dipinggang dan punggung. Pusing-pusing ke kiri ke kanan sambil menggosok-gosok belakang. Tiada yang kurang. Risau dan simpati, si dia membantu menyapu minyak ke belakang sambil menyediakan makan malam. Tak pernah makan bertambah, malam itu lah aku berselera makan nasi putih panas-panas dengan lauk ringkas sahaja. Semakin lega namun sakit tidak pernah berhenti. Ku baring melunjur kaki di depan televisyen, cuba menghayati intipati rancangan dengan harapan sakit dapat dilupakan. Beberapa minit berlalu dan aku hampir tertidur. Sekejap. Ada yang tak kena. Basah. Tilam yang dihampar di ruang tamu basah lencun dengan air jernih putih, cair. Dengan nada terkejut, ku maklumkan pada si dia. Sekilas ku terlihat semua persiapan telah disediakan oleh dia di depan pintu. Dia ku nampak mula panik dan kelam kabut membantuku bangun. Di dalam kereta, dia asyik menanyakan tentang keadaanku tanpa menumpukan perhatian pada pemanduan. Ku menegur. Biar. Pandu sahaja kereta itu. Ku masih larat dan tiada apa-apa. Tidak lama, hanya dua kali menempuh lampu isyarat, destinasi berada di depan mata. Pintu depan tertutup. Ku lihat ada sepasang lagi manusia yang menanti dalam keresahan di situ. Si dia bergegas ke pintu hadapan dan menekan loceng sambil menerangkan situasi kami. Si lelaki kulit putih berambut perang itu mengambil kerusi roda dan menyorong cepat-cepat ke arahku setelah mendengar percakapan si dia di interkom. Aku hanya tersenyum lemah tanda terima kasih. Sempat dia menjerit. Good luck! 

Setiba di meja pendaftaran, kami disambut oleh beberapa perempuan berpakaian seragam dengan senyuman di bibir, sebati dengan uniformnya. Menunggu beberapa minit sahaja, ada bilik telah tersedia. Ku terangkan pada salah seorang yang mengambil keterangan kami bahawa sudah tiada masa. Harus cepat. Ku dapat rasakan kesakitan itu kini mencucuk. Hampir ku tak selesa lagi duduk di kerusi itu. Sekarang baring. Bilik lengkap dengan peralatan ku pandang dengan seribu rasa. Wayar-wayar berselirat di perutku bagi memastikan keadaan masih terkawal. Si dia setia di sebelah kananku sambil ku pegang erat jari jemarinya. Si uniform masih lagi cuba memasang seribu satu wayar di badanku namun tiba-tiba menjerit. I can see the head! Jelas pekikan itu, doktor mula bergegas masuk dengan segerombolan kawan-kawan si uniform. Doktor menjelaskan di sudut sana terdapat lagi satu kumpulan doktor dan uniformnya bersedia dengan satu bekas putih jernih, seolah katil. Mereka bersedia menerima yang bakal keluar kerana dia belum matang. 

When you are ready, push! Ku hanya mengangguk sambil terfikir, bagaimana sedang ku tahu ku bersedia? Terasa perut memulas-mulas dan ingin ku teran sekuat-kuat hati. Ku tarik nafas dan cuba 'push' semampu aku. Sakit di abdomen bawah semakin memuncak. Ku cuba berkali-kali. Push. Push. Push. Si doktor mula resah. Terlalu lama masa diambil dan bimbangkan komplikasi yang bakal berlaku, si doktor menerangkan strateginya. Forceps. Jika belum keluar. Aku risau namun penat teramat. Perasaan di ketika itu hanyalah mahu semuanya selesai dan mahu tidur. Ku teringat pesanku pada si dia. Jaga diri dan anugerahNya sebaik-baiknya sekiranya ku tewas di medan perperangan ini. Ku terasa yang ku akan tewas. Ku betul-betul ingin tidur sekarang. Ku teringat pesan bonda, jangan lelap. Posisi mesti betul. Posisi! Seakan mendapat tiupan semangat sambil mulut menyebut nama yang Maha Esa, ku berikan yang terbaik. Terlangkup!

Meniarap dengan darah penuh membasahi di atas perutku. Doktor menarik nafas lega. Si dia mengucap alhamdulillah. Ku sempat melihat sekilas tubuh kecil itu sebelum diambil dan diuruskan oleh satu lagi kumpulan bagi bayi-pra matang. Si dia mengucup dahiku sebelum berlalu pergi bersama si kecil ke bilik lain.
Tinggallah aku dengan si uniform dan doktor bagi urusan terakhir. Jahit! 

..sambung??.. 


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Preparation of TriH(ethynyl)benzene (DEPROTECTION METHOD)

Tri(TMS)ethynylbenzene ---------------> Tri(H)ethynylbenzene
NaOH
DCM/MeOH
  1. starting material are dissolved in DCM
  2. NaOH are dissolved in MeOH (*refer calculation given)
  3. mix 1 and 2

*mass of NaOH = (mol of starting mat. x JMR NaOH)4

PURIFICATION STEPS

  • take the reaction mixture to dryness
  • dissolve the residue in DCM, wash with small amout of water
  • the two layers obtained are separated in a separatory funnel
  • dry the organic phase layer over MgSo4
  • then, filter it using filter paper
  • the volume was reduced to ~10 ml
  • the product was then purified using column chromatography (follow the previous purification steps for Tri(TMS)ethynylbenzene)
  • the collected orange and yellow band are subjected to rotavapor
  • NMR characterization

NOTES!!

Percentage yield obtained was 114% which indicates that the product obtained contains impurities.

It might resulted from unefficiency skills of separation (trace amount of catalyst and foreign matter may still remain).

NMR proves that some peaks due to grease and at 3.797ppm (still not sure due to what compound) are present.

However, NMR clearly shows that the product obtained is the true compound.

Preparation of Trimethylsilane(TMS)ethynylbenzene


TriBrbenzene -----> TMS(ethynyl)benzene
TMSA
Pd(PPh3)2Cl2
CuI
Et3N


ref: Uhl,W.,et.al, Organometallics, 2007, 26, 2363-2369


  • starting material + Et3N are placed in RBF

  • apparatus are purged with vacuum, then followed by N2

  • repeat purging for at least 3x to ensure no air remain in the system
  • add Pd(PPh3)2Cl2 and CuI in the closed system

  • add excess of TMSA, (refer the calculation given)

ml of TMSA = (mol of tribromobenzene x JMR TMSA x 1/density of TMSA)

  • all the steps above are performed at RT

  • next, mixture are heated to ~60 degrees for almost 7 hours.




MAKE SURE!!
  • water tap is open during the heating for enabling the condensation to occur effectively

  • put clips on joints so that none of the Et3N solvent (which are very very volatile) get evaporated, thus leaving the mixture in dry (which was exactly my mistake!)

  • attach the upper part of condenser to N2 bubbler and the lower part to vacuum to make sure no moisture (from the condensation) get into the mixture

  • never ever do your 1st trial at large scale, you should familiarise yourself with the methods and skills first since some of the chemicals used are quite expensive (such as Pd(PPh3)2Cl2)

  • always and should never forget to close the system before adding Pd(PPh3)2Cl2 catalyst since air can actually 'kill' your catalyst (here goes your precious catalyst)


PURIFICATION STEPS


  1. let the mixture to cool down

  2. the mixture is the filtered off using vacuum suction to get rid of the salt

  3. wash with diethyl ether

  4. residue is put to rotavap and take it to dryness

  5. n-pentane is added to dissolve the solid residue after rotavap

  6. purication steps are then performed in column chromatography;
  • almost a beaker of Al2O3 is added into column chromatography
  • the Al2O3 powder need to be wetted evenly with 5%ethyl acetate/ petroleum spirit
  • transfer the mixture from RBF by using pasteur pipette with extra care (do it alongside of the column to reduce the Al2O3 bed disturbance)
  • carefully add 5%ethyl acetate/petroleum spirit to separate the band
  • collect the desired band (dark yellowish)
  • rotavap the collected solution to dryness and vacuum it to reduce all the moisture
  • NMR charaterization
Percentage yield obtained = 97%

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Preparation of RuCl(dppe)Cp

ref: A.G Alonso and L.B Reventos, J.Organomet.Chem.,1998, 338, 249

RuCl(PPh3)2Cp -------------------> RuCl(dppe)Cp
0.277g dppe
100 ml toluene

  1. Set up the apparatus. See synthesis of RuCl(PPh3)2. (mass of RuCl(PPh3)2Cp used = 0.5085g)

  2. The yellowish solution was let to reflux for about 6 hours
  3. Next, follow the crystallization step (see previous page)

  4. The filtrate volume was reduced to ~20 ml by rotavap

  5. n-hexane was added into the solution (in excess)
  6. Leave the solution which now contains precipitate in freezer for ~20 mins to allow the ppt. to settle down

  7. Filter again using vacuum suction

  8. The deposited ppt. at the RBF was scratched off using spatula

  9. Combine all the products obtained and store in vial

RuCl(dppe)Cp

percentage yield = 46%

Synthesis of RuCl(PPh3)2Cp Part ii

So, yeah..after the vacuum line was succesfully set up..so the excitement beginnnsss...

Here is how the apparatus for the synthesis shall looks like.

Addition of the dissolved RuCl3/EtOH + Cp into the dissolved PPh3/EtOH is by dropwise within about 10 mins period of time.

After about 0ne hour of refluxing, the dark brown color of the solution will lighten to dark red-orange color as shown.



This solution is stored in a freezer at ~-10deg.celc. for an overnight.











iii. Crystallization

Next, filtration of the solution was done using vacuum suction method.



Finally, this is our precius product!!
  • Percentage yield = 77%
  • JMR = 726.3 g/mol

  • Analysis = NMR, MS